Identity
by Jared
Summary: [CCD] Suoh doesn't know who he is. Who is he? What is he? What is his purpose? Suoh wants to know. But what if Nokoru is the price he has to pay to find out?


Identity  
Jared  
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Disclaimer:  
The following characters belong to CLAMP and are only borrowed for the fanfic.   
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[ I really wonder what it is like to be free…] Suoh mused. [ To not to have to be restricted by all my duties… True, I like my work, I'm grateful for having Nokoru as my One, I like being a Takamura. But beyond that…what am I? ]  
  
Some may have thought Suoh was being too critical of himself. He had quiet moments with Nagisa-chan too. Nokoru made sure of that. He had the grades that could make many jealous. A master of martial arts, a literary talent…what more could he ask for? [ Only to be myself. ] he thought sadly.   
  
[ Why am I doing all of this? ] he wondered. [ What is my purpose? ] Beyond protecting Nokoru, his One, his universe, there seemed no other. He lived only to serve. Though his job gave him many enjoyable moments, he wished only to be himself. Yet he had to admit, Nokoru was the best thing that had happened to him, even better than Nagisa.   
  
[ I could have been stuck with a spoilt brat who treated me no more than a pile of dirt. Yet by some chance, I ended up with Kaichou. Granted he's not perfect, and always tries to escape from his paperwork, he always treated me with respect…and as a friend. But…without him, I'm…lost. I don't know what to do, there's this void in my life… Is that all I am? Takamura Suoh, Secretary of the Student Council, bodyguard of Imonoyama Nokoru? Who am I? ]  
  
A quiet boy by nature, further nurtured by his mother into the quiet, self-possessed, somewhat shy boy that he was presently, Suoh had always been detached from the rest of the world. He rarely smiled, rarely spoke. Most of his conversations took place within him. As a result, his friends were few in number. Most did not even think of him as a child, giving him the respect given only to others twice his age.   
  
Yet after knowing Nokoru, his Kaichou, Suoh had learned through his blond angel, and that same mischievous devil to express himself a little better. He began to smile more frequently, though his laughter was never heard. His eyes, once devoid of emotions other than rage and hostility, now showed an occasional gleam of mischief and happiness.   
  
However, that was only when his Kaichou was around. Without Nokoru, Suoh was nothing more than a machine. Suoh had never given his lack of self-expression much thought, until this very day.  
  
It was June 16th. Nokoru's birthday. [ A very special day- the day Kaichou was born. ] That was what June 16th meant to Suoh. However, that day meant that Suoh would not be by Nokoru's side. On that day, Nokoru would be surrounded by many of his peers, mainly ladies, who would vie for his attention and time. There, Suoh felt awkward, out of place. He would, instead, hide and watch Nokoru from afar, trying his best to restrain himself from giving in to his instincts and forcing through the crowd to his Kaichou's side.  
  
Nokoru, on his part, would always plan a special dinner for Suoh on that same day to thank him for all that Suoh had done and to give Suoh, in his opinion, a well-deserved rest. Unknown to him, on that same day, Suoh had heard something that crushed his perfect world.   
  
"I wonder how Nokoru-sama can stand it. Takamura-san is always by his side. Doesn't he find it oppressing? And I wonder how Takamura-san can stand it. He's hardly anyone without Nokoru-sama. All others know of him is his achievements and his firm friendship with Nokoru-sama and Akira-kun. Doesn't he miss out an awful lot on life? Who is he really?"  
  
Suoh felt his heart leap into his mouth. He breathed in sharply. [ Who am I? ] he wondered suddenly. Day after day he pondered. Suddenly, his life became inadequate, meaningless. [ Have I become a burden to Kaichou? ] he wondered. [ Knowing Kaichou, he would never tell me even if I was. He cares too much about others to hurt their feelings. ]   
  
He began to feel exhausted, drained. Questioning himself, [ Why am I even doing this? ] He would wonder [ Is it worth it? ]   
  
Questions swirled around in Suoh's confused mind. He began yearning for something he had never given thought to. [ What would it be like to be free? To do what I want, not having to care about my duties to my clan, to Nagisa, to Kaichou…]  
* * * * * *  
"Suoh…" Nokoru began.  
  
"Hmm" was Suoh's only reply.   
  
It was a vast difference from his usual concerned reply, and unbeknownst to him, his friend felt hurt by his casual reply. However, Nokoru choked back the lump in his throat and merely said cheerfully, "How is Nagisa-san?" as a method of teasing.  
  
Suoh felt irritated. [ Why does he have to disturb me for little things like that? ] Hence, whereupon he would normally blush and stammer, Suoh flared up. "KAICHOU! Will you please be serious and finish your paperwork?!" he raised his voice.   
  
Instantly, he regretted his action. The injured look in Nokoru's eyes was apparent to all. However, Nokoru, forever in control of his own emotions, merely nodded, his face passive. He picked up a sheet of paper, read it in silence. Akira could only look on in shock. [ Never has Takamura-senpai been in such a temper. I wonder what could be wrong? And Kaichou…Kaichou looks so hurt. But he doesn't want to talk. I can see that. If only there was something I could do…]   
  
His thoughts were interrupted by Nokoru's stamping. Within a short while, Nokoru had demolished the huge piles of paperwork beside his desk. "I'll be leaving now." He said, silently. "See you tomorrow." His voice was soft.  
[ What did I do? What have I done? ] Suoh asked inwardly. [ Why…why did I…]   
  
He watched as Nokoru exited the room, his usually relaxed shoulders tense.  
* * * * * *  
Nokoru stepped out of the building. He headed out towards the playground. He knew better than most that he should not leave the school without his bodyguards, without Suoh. Yet he felt as though he had to. He needed to get away, just for a while. He closed his eyes and remembered the harsh words Suoh had uttered, the pent up anger clear in his voice. [ He…he…he found me a bother. ] Nokoru tried to convince himself that Suoh had not meant it. Somehow, he could not.  
  
He glanced down at his pocket watch. [ Well, I guess I better go back now. Not much time till the dinner function. ] He got up and began walking back to the school.   
  
He heard a loud, frantic honk. He barely turned before he felt a sharp pain, then nothing.  
* * * * * *  
[ How did all this happen? Why? Why did it happen? This is all my fault. It would never have happened if I was there. It's all my fault…] Suoh thought miserably as he closed his eyes.   
  
[ Kaichou…Kaichou…wake up, please. Please, just wake up. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I never meant for this to happen. Kaichou, please, just wake up…]  
  
"I'm sorry. There's nothing else we can do. It's all up to him. Whether or not he'll survive depends on whether he survives the night." The doctor's voice rang in his head. "He has a severe head wound and lost a lot of blood. His condition has stabilised for now, but…he's not out of danger yet."  
  
"Tell me doctor…what are his chances?"  
  
"His chances are slim."  
  
[ NO!! Not Kaichou! Not Kaichou. Please…please…] Suoh had cried out inside when he heard the news. [ Kaichou…please…you've got to make it. You've got to… ]   
  
The room was silent. The only sound that could be heard was the rasping sound of Nokoru's laboured breathing.  
* * * * * *  
Suoh was exhausted. Yet he could not bear to drag himself away from Nokoru's side. Neither would he let anyone pull him away. He resisted fiercely each time they attempted, and they had finally given up. [ Kaichou…]  
  
[ Kaichou…Please, wake up. I know now. I know who I am now. I am Takamura Suoh. You are my One. The One that I have chosen. The One that I have sworn…and failed to protect. I caused you to end up like this…It's all my fault. Just wake up and scold me, blame me. Just wake up, please. Kaichou…I know who I am now. Let me make it up to you. Give me a chance. Please…just one chance. Don't…don't give up on me. Not when I finally found myself…my purpose…you…Kaichou…]  
  
Suoh felt the tears well up in his eyes. He looked anxiously at the unresponsive person in front of him. There was no response. Slowly, tears drifted down his face.  
* * * * * *  
[ Talking to him might help. There's no real scientific proof for that…but some have tried it, and have succeeded. ] The doctor's voice rang in his mind.  
  
[ Talking aloud? I'll do anything to get you back Kaichou…]   
  
"Kaichou?" He waited. Nothing.  
  
"I don't know if you can hear me…I…I just wanted to tell you…tell you how sorry I am… None of this would have happened if it weren't for me."  
  
"Kaichou, I know you're hurt by what I said. I never should have snapped at you like that. I really regret it. I don't even know why I questioned myself, my self-worth, what I was living for…All I want now is for you to get better. Do you hear me?"  
  
"Kaichou…I know… I … I am Takamura Suoh… Your Takamura… I would give up my life for yours. Won't you please wake up? Just get better…I'll do anything for you…even if I have to die…"  
  
"And I would…live… to lighten your burden…" A rasping voice replied weakly, a ghost of a smile touched Nokoru's cracked lips. 


End file.
